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I have to work eight hours today instead of five (woke up today to a text telling me this - oops.)  Might spend some of my shift writing.

Anyone gonna hate me if I write a nextgen harry potter fic about a girl who actually didn’t get her hogwarts letter? It speaks to me on a personal level.

Although I have to work out the why, can’t think of a why yet besides truly dark magic.

Anonymous said: NO seriously you've been making angsty personal posts for weeks now why don't you just get over yourself

Yes, how dare I talk about my life on my personal blog. What a fiend I am, venting under read mores and tagging them ‘personal’. Like seriously if I’ve been doing it for weeks and it bugs you that much why did you keep reading them? That was your choice. You must have a high enough learning curve to have figured out what they might be. I’m sorry for the two centimeters I took up on your dash every couple of days, really, a real intrusion to your life I’m sure.

I am doing better. I am not spending every night actively wanting to kill myself. Some, still, but not all of them. I am back to the point where I can take klonopin for my anxiety without it sending my depression spiraling which is a huge help because untreated anxiety is the worst thing. I can interact with people bits at a time even if extended interactions still overwhelm me. I can accept compliments and even internalize them. Baby steps.

But I’m still having a really hard time and I need to put that into words sometimes. This is my blog. I stick it under read mores unless you go yelling in my askbox and then my dash needs to see it, but otherwise I’m being unobtrusive. If my mental health or lackthereof is really causing you so much grief that you need to HARASS me, then please, unfollow me, I beg of you.

Anonymous said: If you know you're going to make mistakes why don't you just stop yourself? (your personal post a few days ago.)

This post? I think I answered that in the post but I guess if you want to know I can explain further.

So I have always been a really passionate person. Take whatever context you want - I’m an Aquarius, I’m an ENFJ, I “have a lot of feels” in tumblr speak, whatever simplification is easiest for you to swallow.

I am impulsive, I am reckless at times, relationships turn sexual for me almost immediately (with a few exceptions that are really complicated in my brain) and when I fall in love I fall very very hard, I drink when I shouldn’t, I mess with my body chemistry in really unhealthy ways, I fight, I self injure, I spend money I don’t have, I write, I listen to music I know will make me cry, I do anything and everything to feel because feeling is the most important thing to me.

At the same time I work a very pretentious job and perform it ably and I’m responsible and punctual and give sound advice and pay my bills on time and try really hard to be a good adult.

These are both incredibly strong aspects of my personality that are at constant war and sometimes, not often but sometimes, they beat each other down and I just fall into this pit where I can’t feel anything. Usually the pit is brought on by trauma, this time in particular that is true. When something traumatic happens the two sides of myself can’t decide which is right and they both shut down.

I want to make mistakes because the only emotion I can feel right now is despair and I’d really like to feel something different. Anything different at all.

Sorry if TMI but hey you asked.

I’ve been thinking about that comic that compares anxiety to not having an umbrella. (x)

And it’s a GREAT comic, but I think it’s more like you do have an umbrella, there’s just this huge constant rush of wind that only seems to be hitting you. And everyone around you is chattering and staying dry, and you can’t because the rain isn’t falling straight down and the wind is pulling your umbrella away from you. And you are having this great epic battle against mother nature trying to hold onto your umbrella while she tries to pull it away. Meanwhile everyone is looking at you like you’re an idiot because how are you getting wet there’s an umbrella right in your hands why aren’t you just using it. And you’re panicking because there’s this giant monster no one can see, but just because it’s invisible doesn’t mean you aren’t fighting it and GOD DAMN IT THE MONSTER IS TRYING TO STEAL YOUR UMBRELLA CAN’T ANYONE SEE THAT.

Yeah that’s what anxiety feels like.

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Aaaaaaaaand anxiety.

Here we go.

I was gonna do laundry today but somehow I fucking hurt my back and the back of my thighs are sore too and fuckall if I’m gonna carry my laundry up and down three flights of stairs.

Fuck that.

I’m not out of underwear yet there is procrastination to be had.