Anonymous said: That's good to hear. What made you feel better if I can ask? I've been feeling low lately. Everything just feels really...bleak.

The best advice I can really give you is don’t listen to anyone else’s advice.

When you’re upset there will always be people telling you to buck up, trying to be encouraging and failing. Telling you the ‘right’ way to deal with your problems. Fuck ‘em. I told myself I was going to sit, watch all seven seasons of Buffy, and by the time I watched the finale I was going to feel better. And honestly for me that worked. I mean now I have a lot of Buffy feelings so that’s a new mountain to climb…

But my point is no one knows you better than you. Do what makes you feel good, even if it can’t logically fix anything. Even if it doesn’t feel responsible. Let yourself be lazy, or aimless. Let yourself fuck up. Call someone you haven’t called in awhile. Talk to a stranger in a bar (/coffee shop). Whatever works for you.

And if you can, surround yourself with people who give you a reason to be happy, not just people who tell you that you should. Someone grabbing your hand and taking you on an adventure will always do more good than someone guilting you for having problems.

If you ever wanna talk off anon, I’m here. <3 That goes to everyone.

Anonymous said: You haven't posted anything about being sad for awhile are you feeling better? (I hope you are).

Aw nonny :3 I am, thanks. Not perfect, but on the mend.

Anonymous said: This is the anon from last night I'm sorry if I upset you it's just I see all these teenage girls throwing their lives away and you seem so smart I don't want you to make stupid mistakes just to seem cool and end up wrecking your life.

Point 1) I am 21 years old, have not lived with my parents for four years, have a steady job, and manage to support myself living in a city even though I have really severe anxiety and leaving my house terrifies me some days.

Point 2) I am very smart. 

Point 3) I’m not doing anything to seem cool. I’m fucking awesome you should know that already if you follow me. I said I wanted to act reckless because it makes me feel better. I’m 21, I’ve had my phases before, if I know how to act out in a way that is not destructive to my life but lets me let off steam, more power to me, seriously. I am only responding to this point in length because I want that point to be made to the other young souls you might be looking to save. If you can let off steam in a way that does not destroy yourself or the people around you, make as many mistakes as you want. You’ll grow from them.

Point 4) You aren’t my mother.

Point 5) Go away.

Anonymous said: Okay whatever what do you even have to be traumatized about I mean really

That.

Is.

None.

Of.

Your.

Fucking.

Business.

Anonymous said: NO seriously you've been making angsty personal posts for weeks now why don't you just get over yourself

Yes, how dare I talk about my life on my personal blog. What a fiend I am, venting under read mores and tagging them ‘personal’. Like seriously if I’ve been doing it for weeks and it bugs you that much why did you keep reading them? That was your choice. You must have a high enough learning curve to have figured out what they might be. I’m sorry for the two centimeters I took up on your dash every couple of days, really, a real intrusion to your life I’m sure.

I am doing better. I am not spending every night actively wanting to kill myself. Some, still, but not all of them. I am back to the point where I can take klonopin for my anxiety without it sending my depression spiraling which is a huge help because untreated anxiety is the worst thing. I can interact with people bits at a time even if extended interactions still overwhelm me. I can accept compliments and even internalize them. Baby steps.

But I’m still having a really hard time and I need to put that into words sometimes. This is my blog. I stick it under read mores unless you go yelling in my askbox and then my dash needs to see it, but otherwise I’m being unobtrusive. If my mental health or lackthereof is really causing you so much grief that you need to HARASS me, then please, unfollow me, I beg of you.

Anonymous said: "Why don't you just stop yourself" - Really. Awareness is not ability, and to confuse the two speaks of a lack of self-awareness. I'd be more scathing but you handled the rebuttal splendidly already.

Thank you. Also neither awareness nor ability are desire. Idk. I like to assume when I get anons like that they are from people who are genuinely confused and want to understand and not ignorant buttheads. Makes me feel better.

Anonymous said: If you know you're going to make mistakes why don't you just stop yourself? (your personal post a few days ago.)

This post? I think I answered that in the post but I guess if you want to know I can explain further.

So I have always been a really passionate person. Take whatever context you want - I’m an Aquarius, I’m an ENFJ, I “have a lot of feels” in tumblr speak, whatever simplification is easiest for you to swallow.

I am impulsive, I am reckless at times, relationships turn sexual for me almost immediately (with a few exceptions that are really complicated in my brain) and when I fall in love I fall very very hard, I drink when I shouldn’t, I mess with my body chemistry in really unhealthy ways, I fight, I self injure, I spend money I don’t have, I write, I listen to music I know will make me cry, I do anything and everything to feel because feeling is the most important thing to me.

At the same time I work a very pretentious job and perform it ably and I’m responsible and punctual and give sound advice and pay my bills on time and try really hard to be a good adult.

These are both incredibly strong aspects of my personality that are at constant war and sometimes, not often but sometimes, they beat each other down and I just fall into this pit where I can’t feel anything. Usually the pit is brought on by trauma, this time in particular that is true. When something traumatic happens the two sides of myself can’t decide which is right and they both shut down.

I want to make mistakes because the only emotion I can feel right now is despair and I’d really like to feel something different. Anything different at all.

Sorry if TMI but hey you asked.

Anonymous said: Write Harry Potter!

Sure I can do that. What should I write? AU, next gen? Give me ideas I have no ideas.

Anonymous said: Can you stop blogging about the bombing it's depressing?

No.

I will tag, I will be as courteous as I can be. I know people don’t want to be exposed to it and that is well within their rights I’m not trying to push anything on anyone.

But this is my city, this is my home. This happened half a mile from where I work, this happened in the square where I get my hair cut for god’s sake. 

I work with tourists and I have spent the entire weekend meeting new people and talking to them about how excited they are for the marathon. How they have loved ones running in the marathon, how proud they are. The things they overcame to be there. How amazingly lucky they felt to be part of such a historic Boston tradition. I talked to people this morning who were having the best day of their lives.

Some of those people might be dead now. Some of those people might never walk again. Thousands of people came to my city with their family and friends and they expected to be safe. I have seen hundreds of children on the marathon path today. Smiling and cheering. No one knew this was coming. No one knows what the aftermath will be.

You don’t need to care and I will never tell anyone they should be blogging about this but don’t you dare tell me not to.

Get the hell out of my face. 

Anonymous said: u reblogged a joke about anxiety & then reblogged a post telling people not to joke about mental illness...

Hm, so for context I reblogged a post that said:

“if you wanna date me you have to fight my 7 evil anxieties”

And then reblogged a post that said:

“one of the things that bothers me most about this site is that it glorifies harmful behaviours and conditions and tries to normalize them”

The second post then went on to talk about lack of empathy but I don’t think that’s terribly relevant here.

I see where you’re coming from anon, but I don’t think I was hypocritical here. The first post I reblogged does not actually glorify anxiety. It talks about a difficulty that comes with anxiety (a condition I have been diagnosed with, and a difficulty that I know very well) and talks about it in a joking manner. Joking about problems or making light of them is a coping mechanism of sorts, and I don’t see any problem with joking about a condition I have, especially joking specifically about an aspect of it that can annoy other people. It’s actually really useful on a social basis to be able to say “yeah haha I know I’m awful right” as opposed to just constantly feeling awful about being awful. That’s how I see it anyway.

Glorifying anxiety would be talking about how every day is a constant struggle, how I am better than other people for surviving that struggle, that it makes me strong and hard and valiant. I don’t think any of that is true. Anxiety is not glorious, it sucks.

That is how I saw the situation anyway. If this is something you’d like to discuss further feel free to message me on anon or off, I promise I’m not angry with you. It’s just interesting to me that you had this perspective, and took something a way I didn’t intend it. Totally something I’m willing to explore further if you wish.